I've been sat in front of this damn computer screen for over an hour watching cursor flash on the page. Nothing.
I haven't been able to write a single word the entire time and I just this moment realised why. I'm completely consumed, distracted and over whelmed. I'm consumed with life and work, I'm distracted by my thoughts and plans and I'm over whelmed with feelings of excitement, fear and worry. It's a strange sensation to feel all the emotions, all at once like that.
This website started off as my little corner on the internet. It didn't have to be perfect, my HTML codes were all over the shop even more than my grammar and I could pour whatever was on my mind or in my heart onto the pages and it didn't really matter, some people might read it, some people might actually even like it. But it was mine, and that was what I loved.
I often approach these posts with structure and direction, "what are we going to talk about today?" I ask myself as I sip my lemon water. But today I'm just kind of writing, because I feel I need to, for me. I hope that's OK?! You see, 2017 has been a whirlwind and it still feels like there's no sign of slowing down, in fact it feels like we just put the peddle to the floor, and I want to talk about how I feel as a person. Not as a Youtuber or Blogger, not as someone on the internet, but rather as a person living their life, learning and feeling on a day to day basis.
So I guess here goes....
PLANNING A WEDDING
Well where do I start, soon I get to marry my bestfriend and that in itself is the most exciting thing in my world right now. Forever isn't scary AT. ALL. but I can tell you what is, absolutely everything else. I'm starting to wonder why we didn't just book a flight somewhere and elope. I've counted how many weeks, days, and hours there are until the day and it seems so close and I'm just so worried things will go wrong and the most annoying part is, I know they will go wrong, because thats what happens with weddings but there I go worrying none the less.
I'm worrying about seating someone next to the wrong person, I'm worried about upsetting someone by not having them on our table, I'm worried about tripping on my dress, I'm worried about crying so much that I look like I've had an allergic reaction (because thats exactly how I look when I cry) I'm worried people won't enjoy themselves, I'm worried I wont sleep the night before, I'm even worried he might come to his senses and run for it (nervous laugh).
I know that the general consensus is, all brides-to-be feel this way and I certainly don't feel alone in that but it is over whelming and it feels good admitting it.
Are you annoyed by hearing me go on about moving house? Yes? Then you can only imagine how annoyed I am about it. I imagined we'd be in our new house right now well on our way to putting our own stamp on the place. But this isn't the latest Netflix serious, life is unpredictable, things go wrong, procedures take months (apparently) and before you know it your just hoping to be in there before your 30th birthday, a full year from the time you thought you'd be moving. It's been incredibly frustrating but I've been doing my best to stay positive and I hope it hasn't reflected in my videos or posts. The silver lining in all this, is that we wouldn't be looking at the house we are looking at now if we hadn't waited so I take solace in that. But seriously, can we move now!
Being online has dramatically changed recently. I never used to fear offending people in the way I do now because my intentions were always good and positive. But that doesn't matter in the online space today and the backlash when something quite innocent is taken out of context can be a challenge to take even for the strongest amongst us.
I want to have opinions and share my thoughts on matters that interest me, but there seems to be such differing grasps on what is a healthy debate and what is abuse. But I've learnt to spend a lot more time Offline over the last few months and the significance seems to be fading. I spend much more time with my friends who have nothing to with Youtube and have always been there. It's a shame that it has become this way, where people are so detached from the power of their words and I'm not sure I'll ever be OK with the things that are thrown around online but I'm more understanding to it.
This is just the surface of how I've been feeling lately, reading it all back now it feels like a bit of a relief to share what has been going on and the emotions I've been battling with and I also don't want it to appear like I'm unhappy because it couldn't be further from the truth. I'm just processing everything thats happening right now, breaking it down in to bite sized pieces because I think secretly I still feel like a 16 year old not quite ready to grow up.